My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
