I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
