guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I touched a dick in church today
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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