Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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