The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
