can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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