last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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