Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
