I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
we're so committed to being not committed
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
