I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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