Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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