just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
