I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
