I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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