Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
