I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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