Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So many bounce houses so little time
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize