we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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