I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
