Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize