drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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