Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
