it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
