Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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