So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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