I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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