you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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