speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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