I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
