I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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