Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
