In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
