I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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