i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
