Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
