Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
