he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
