kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
