Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
