So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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