He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
