we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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