How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
