haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
