I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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