the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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