There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
