If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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