I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize