Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
