I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
