if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize