Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
