On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
they need to just BURY HIM!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
