He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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