drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
