I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
