I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
