i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
