Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
