I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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