What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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