I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
